The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Let’s face it – relationship conflicts can be unavoidable. But what you can do is work through those conflicts in a healthy, productive way. One way to do so is by utilizing the “Four Horsemen” concept developed by The Gottman Institute, which characterizes the four warning signs of relationship breakdown: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.
We invite you to learn about these indicators directly from our partners at The Samaritan Center. They can teach you how to practice these conflict resolution skills when low-level arguments appear in your relationship.
Once you've watched all four videos, download and print the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" guide. The guide helps you practice the skills highlighted in the videos and features The Feeling Wheel to help you and your partner communicate better. If you find you need additional relationship help, remember you can access to couples therapy through the POWR Program.
Part One: Criticism
What does it look like?
- An attack on your partner’s character or personality, which can stem from pent-up anger or unmet needs not expressed to your partner
- Different from a complaint, which addresses a specific behavior
- Use of generalizations like “always” or “never”
What helps overcome Criticism?
- Focus on one topic at a time.
- Instead of describing your partner, describe your feelings or the situation
- Use the “Feeling Wheel” to help identify your emotions
- Use “I” statements: “I feel [emotion] when [event]. Instead, I need [positive need].”
- Focus on validating each other’s emotions before looking for solutions
- Communicate simply, softly and slowly
- Maintain a positive perspective about your partner
Part Two: Contempt
What does it look like?
- Expression of superiority, often paired with resentment and a lack of compassion, which can stem from years of unresolved problems and feelings of disgust
- An intention to hurt your partner and make them feel worthless or lesser-than
- May include eye-rolling, mockery, cynicism, sarcasm or name-calling behavior
- It’s the No. 1 predictor of relationship breakdown
What helps overcome Contempt?
- Address it as soon as possible
- Consider individual counseling
- Build a culture of gratitude within the relationship by noticing your partner’s positive actions and expressing appreciation
- Describe your own needs, not your partner
- Express curiosity about your partner's wants and need (Use statements like “Tell me more” or “Help me understand”)
Part Three: Defensiveness
What does it look like?
- Response to the perception that you are being attacked
- Pushing blame to our partner, which can escalate to a cycle of throwing blame back and forth
- Keeps us from resolving communication problems
What helps overcome Defensiveness?
- When you feel defensive, acknowledge it
- Own your part in the conflict, which can help your partner feel understood and makes it easier for your partner to do the same
- Remember we don’t have control over how we feel, but we do have control over how we respond and react to our feelings
- If defensiveness is a result of frustration due to a pattern of unwanted behavior, work together to brainstorm how to get unstuck by changing that pattern
- Stay calm and respectful with one another
Part Four: Stonewalling
What does it look like?
- Shutting down during conversations, which happens when our nervous systems are overwhelmed but isn’t always intentional (“silent treatment”)
- May look like disconnected body language, lack of eye contact or silence
- Potential signs include racing thoughts, rapid heart rate, difficulty breathing, mind going blank, getting overheated, feeling jittery or feeling frozen in place
What helps overcome Stonewalling?
- Distraction can help calm the body: going for a walk, cuddling with a pet, watching a favorite show or reading a book or a magazine.
- Avoid ruminating on the conversation or using substances while trying to calm down
- Don’t just walk away; communicate that you need a break and set clear expectations about when the conversation will continue
- Be intentional about finishing the conversation
- Use “I” statements and remember to communicate simply, softly and slowly
- Avoid having important conversations when feeling hungry, tired or vulnerable; feeling dysregulated can make it difficult to problem solve, think critically or communicate